


Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1

by BentleyGirl



Series: RvB Novelizations [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Complete, Gen, Humor, Novelization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-19 22:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 21,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4763939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BentleyGirl/pseuds/BentleyGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novelization of the first season of Red vs. Blue. In the beginning, nothing much happened in the canyon known as Blood Gulch. But when two new members to the teams' ranks arrive, everything will change... Contains a few minor variations not usually seen in the actual series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Are We Here?

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This is my first time writing on this site, but this story, and several others like it, had been on Fanfiction.net for three years before being deleted.
> 
> Also, this series doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Rooster Teeth.

On a distant planet many light-years from Earth, in a backwater canyon known as Blood Gulch, two armies were poised on the brink the war. Both armies were separate factions of human soldiers, one team wearing armor of various shades of red and the other side in blue; each team had established a base on one side of the canyon and both teams had one simple objective: eliminate the enemy and capture their flag. For many months, nothing much happened. And then, one day... still nothing happened. But the following day...

At the Red Base, two soldiers stood on the roof, keeping a watch of danger. One soldier was wearing maroon-colored armor and the other was in orange armor. For a while, both soldiers were silent then the maroon soldier turned to his teammate. "Hey, Grif."

"Yeah, Simmons?" the orange soldier replied.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" Simmons asked.

"It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" said Grif, rubbing his chin in thought. "Why _are_ we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night."

Simmons just stared at Grif in silence, his puzzled expression partially obscured by his helmet's reflective visor. "What?!" he finally cried. "I meant why are we out _here_ , in this canyon?"

"Oh," Grif muttered. "Uh... yeah."

"What was all that stuff about God?"

"Uh... hm? Nothing," Grif replied, turning away.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Seriously though, why _are_ we out here?" Simmons said, recalling his earlier question. "As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out."

"Mm-hmm," Grif mumbled.

"And the only reason that we set up a base here is because _they_ have a Blue Base over there." Simmons pointed to the other side of the canyon. "And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there is because we have a Red Base here."

"Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other."

"No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today and they would come to take our base, they would have _two_ bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-de-fucking-do."

 "What's up with that anyway?" Grif agreed. "I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of Blue guys."

 At that very moment, on a cliff overlooking the Base, two Blue soldiers were spying on their activities. One soldier, wearing cobalt-blue armor, observed the conversation through the scope on his sniper rifle while the other soldier, dressed in aquamarine armor, leaned against the wall, rapping his fingers impatiently on his leg.

"What are they doing, Church?" he finally asked for the hundredth time since they'd arrived that morning.

Church lowered the rifle and turned to him, his patience wearing thin. "What?"

"I said what are they doing now?"

"Goddamn it, Tucker," Church growled. "I'm getting so sick of answering that question."

"Hey, you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit," Tucker retorted. "Don't bitch at me 'cos I'm not gonna sit around here and play with my di-"

"Okay, okay, look," Church cut in quickly. "They're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they  _ever_ do is stand around and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from _now_ , when you ask me 'What are they doing?', my answer's gonna be 'They're _still_ just talking, and they're _still_ just standing there!'"

Tucker glanced down at the Base for a moment then turned back to Church. "What are they talking about?"

Church narrowed his eyes. "You know what? I fucking hate you."

Back at Red Base, Grif sighed and kicked a small stone aside in frustration. "Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them."

"Yeah, no shit," Simmons agreed crossly. "That's why they should put us in charge."

Just then, a commanding voice called out from the Base's entrance. "Ladies! Front and center on the double!"

"Fuck," Simmons sighed.

"Yes, sir!" Grif replied as they ran for the ramp by the roof, ready to receive their orders.


	2. Red Gets a Delivery

Once at the bottom of the ramp, Grif and Simmons ran to the front of the Base, where their Sergeant was waiting impatiently. The leader, sometimes known as Sarge by his men, was wearing red armor, the standard color for commanding officers, covered in the dents and scratches of a man who'd seen many battles in his time.

"Hurry up, ladies," the Sergeant yelled as the younger soldiers arrived. "This ain't no ice cream social."

"Ice cream social?" Simmons asked puzzled.

"Stop the pillow talk, you two," Sarge drawled in his gruff Southern accent. "Anybody wanna guess why I gathered you here, today?"

"Um, is it because the war is over and you're sending us home?" Grif asked hopefully.

"That's exactly it, Private," Sarge replied, his voice getting thick with irony. "War's over, we won. Turns out you're the _big_ hero and we're gonna hold a parade in yer honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!"

"I'm no stranger to sarcasm, Sir," Grif muttered.

"God dammit, Private," Sarge yelled. "Shut yer mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit yer throat while you're asleep!"

"Oh ho, I'd do it, too," Simmons chuckled evilly.

"I know you would, Simmons. Good man." Sarge then cleared his throat and got back on topic. "Couple'a things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost #1."

"Crap," Grif groaned. "We're getting a rookie."

"That's right, dead man," Sarge replied, grinning at Grif's discomfort. "Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today we received the first part of our shipment from Command."

Grif and Simmons swapped curious looks, wondering what Sarge could possibly have gotten.

Sarge then turned towards a nearby hill. "Lopez, bring up the vehicle."

With a loud grating roar, a large pine green armor-plated jeep came barreling over the hill and pulled up next to the Reds. As the brown-armored driver climbed out, Grif and Simmons stared at the car in amazement, taking in the heavy wheels, the automatic winch above the bumper, and more importantly, the turret mounted to the back of the vehicle.

"Shotgun!" Simmons cried.

"Shotgun!" Grif added, just too late. "Fuck!

"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle," Sarge announced, stepping up to the car. "It has four inch armor plating..." To demonstrate, he bashed the side of the car with his fist, leaving no marks. "Mag bumper suspension..." He put his foot on the bumper and pushed hard. "A mounted machine-gunner position..." He nodded at the turret. "And total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV! I like to call it the 'Warthog'."

"Why Warthog, sir?" Simmons asked.

"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son," Sarge answered slowly, his patience wearing thin.

"I know, but why Warthog?" Grif said. "I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig."

"Say that again," Sarge growled.

"I think it looks more like a puma."

"What in Sam Hell is a puma?!"

"What, like the shoe company?" Simmons asked.

"No, like a puma," Grif replied. "It's a big cat, like a lion."

Sarge gave him a disbelieving glare. "You're makin' that up."

"I'm telling you," Grif insisted. "It's a real animal."

"Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal," Sarge ordered.

"Yes sir!" Simmons replied loyally.

"Look, see these two tow hooks?" Sarge said, pointing them out on the front of the jeep. "They look like tusks. And what kinda animal has tusks?"

"A walrus," Grif replied.

"Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?" Sarge snapped.

On the cliff above them, Church and Tucker looked down at the argument.

"What is that thing?" Tucker asked, looking over Church's shoulder.

"I don't know, man," Church replied, lowering the sniper rifle. "Looks like they got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it."

"A car?" Tucker cried as Church made to leave. "How come they get a car?"

Church paused and turned back to Tucker. "What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."

"You can't pick up chicks in a tank," Tucker muttered in disappointment.

"Oh you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you?" Church snapped. "We're about to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like _that_?"

"Well, what kind of car is it?" Tucker sighed, changing the subject.

"I dunno," Church admitted, taking another quick look through the sniper scope. "I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh... like a big cat of some kind."

"What, like a puma?"

"Yeah man, there you go," Church replied as they set off back to Blue Base.

Back at Red Base, Sarge quickly put an end to the argument by firing a single shot from his pistol into the air. "So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures they'd like to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?"

"No, Sir," Grif murmured. "No more suggestions."

"Are you sure?" Sarge gloated. "How about Bigfoot?"

"It's okay."

"Unicorn?"

"No really, I'm-I'm good."

"Sasquatch?"

"Leprechaun?" Simmons added.

"Hey, he doesn't need any help, man," Grif retorted.

"Phoenix?" Sarge continued.

"Oh, Christ," Grif sighed, turning to head back to Base.

"Hey Simmons," Sarge then asked. "What's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?"

"Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, Sir," Simmons replied.

"Hey Grif," Sarge called. "Chupathingy, how about that? I like it, gotta ring to it."

Grif just groaned and put his hands over his visor.


	3. The Rookies

Two days after the Warthog's delivery, Grif and Simmons were once again on the roof of the Red Base, killing time by having another argument.

"Hey, that's not exactly what happened," Simmons scowled.

"Yes it is," Grif retorted. "You said 'I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant', and the next thing I knew, you were on an escape pod heading for-"

"Excuse me, uh, sirs," came a new voice behind them.

"Sirs?" Grif asked puzzled. He and Simmons turned round to see a soldier wearing red armor that was much newer than Sarge's standing at the top of the ramp. "Oh crap."

"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost #1 and speak to whoever's in charge," the new soldier continued.

"Sorry, man," Grif replied. "Sarge's at Command getting new orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

"Actually, Private," Simmons corrected. "He left me in charge while he's gone."

"You are such a kiss-ass," Grif groaned.

"Also, he said if I had any trouble from you, I should..." Simmons cleared his throat then continued in a rough imitation of Sarge's voice, "'Get in the Warthog and crush yer head like a tomato can.'"

Grif blinked in confusion. "That's the worst impression I ever heard."

Simmons sighed then he turned to the new arrival. "Okay rookie, what's your story?"

"Private Donut reporting for duty, sir," the young recruit replied, giving a smart salute. "I'm ready to fight some aliens."

"Couple of things here, rookie," Grif said. "First off: Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?"

"This _is_ the standard issue red," Donut replied.

"Yeah, I know," Grif stated. "Listen, only two types of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you haven't threatened to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."

"Well, he's wearing red armor," Donut argued, pointing at Simmons.

"No," Simmons said. "My armor is maroon. Your armor is red."

"Well, how do I get a different colored armor?" Donut asked.

Simmons sighed and looked towards the other side of the canyon. "I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this crap."

At that very moment, at the Blue Base, Church and Tucker were too busy to worry about anything, still staring in awe at their latest delivery: a massive 3000-ton Scorpion-class military tank (they did have a short argument on its name, but settled with the fact that its shape was somewhat like a scorpion). As they glossed over its details, their recruit, a soldier in dark blue armor named Caboose, leaned against the tank's tread, chatting to them on the delivery. "So, I say to the guy 'How are you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go 'If you're got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"

"Hey, kid," Tucker cut in sharply.

"Yeah?" Caboose asked.

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

"Oh, okay. You got it, man."

"You know what?" Church almost drooled, ignoring the debate. "I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing."

Back at the Red Base, Simmons came up with an idea for their newest member. "Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal."

"I just refuse to call him 'Private Donut'," Grif muttered to himself.

"We've got a very important mission for you," Simmons went on. "Think you can handle it?"

"Absolutely!" Donut replied eagerly.

Simmons gave a little smile. "We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease."

Grif was about to ask Simmons what he was on about, when he noticed his teammate winking behind his visor and he quickly caught on. "Yeah... and uh, get some headlight fluid for the Puma too."

"The what?" Donut asked, cocking his head to one side.

"He means the Warthog." Simmons pointed to the vehicle in question, currently getting a polish from Lopez.

"You do know where the store is, right, rookie?" Grif asked.

"What?" Donut asked uncertainly. "Uh, yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem."

"Well, get going then," Simmons ordered.

Donut nodded then he turned and ran across the base's roof.

"Other way," Grif said, pointing to the other side.

"I know that," Donut replied, doing a u-turn and running the other direction. "I just got turned around, that's all."

Grif and Simmons watched as Donut jumped off the roof and set off into the canyon.

"How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?" Simmons asked.

"I'd say... at least a week," Grif estimated.

Once he reached the middle of the canyon, Donut paused and turned to look back at the Base. "Elbow grease," he snorted. "How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant."

Meanwhile at Blue Base, Tucker carefully ran his hand over the tank's polished grey surface. "You know what? Forget what I said earlier. We can _definitely_ pick up chicks with this thing, probably two or three chicks a piece."

"Oh man, listen to you," Church sighed. "What are you gonna do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron," Tucker replied. "The more you can hook up, the better it gets."

Back at Red Base, Simmons turned to Grif in concern. "Do you think we were too hard on the kid?"

"Nah," Grif replied. "He'll just wander around the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?"

At that very moment, Donut made it to the top of a hill and spotted a building below. "Finally, there it is. Oh sweet, they sell tanks!"


	4. Head Noob in Charge

Chapter 4: Head Noob in Charge

Unaware of Donut's approach to their Base, the Blues were still talking about the sexual attraction that their new tank could bring.

"Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret," Church then said. "I've, uh, I've actually got a girl back home."

"Oh yeah?" Tucker asked, suddenly intrigued. "Girlfriend or wife?"

"No man, she's just my girl, y'know?" Church admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "We were gonna get married, but uh I got shipped out and... Ah, you know how it works."

"Oh, well, are you gonna marry her when you get back?" Tucker asked.

"I'm not gonna get married," Caboose said before Church could reply. "My dad always said 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'"

Church turned to Caboose, his eyes narrowed in anger. "Hey Rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?"

"No, I think he called her a slut," Tucker corrected.

For a moment, Church looked like he was ready to beat Caboose to within an inch of his life, but then an idea crossed his mind and he immediately calmed down. "I'll tell you what, noob. I could stand here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a more important job for you to do."

"Great," Caboose muttered, feeling very guilty about angering his leader on his very first day.

"See, we've got this General," Church began.

"Right, the General guy," Tucker cut in, catching on to Church's scheme.

"...who likes to come by and make random inspections of Bases," Church went on. "So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go into the Base and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by."

"When is he coming by?" Caboose asked curiously.

"We never know," Tucker replied, secretly amazed that the rookie Blue had fallen for it. "Could be today, could be a week from now."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?" Caboose gasped.

"You know, you don't sound very grateful," Church scolded, folding his arms. "This is the most important job at the whole Base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

"What's so important about the flag?"

"Oh come on. Don't they teach you guys anything in training?"

"They didn't say anything about a flag," Caboose replied slowly. "Why is it so important?"

"Because it's the flag, man," Church tried to explain. "You know, it's the- It's the flag. It's, uh... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important."

"Well, it's... it's complicated," Tucker stuttered. "Uh... it's blue, we're blue..."

"It's just important, okay? Trust us," Church declared. "So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag."

"Right," Tucker agreed.

"So," Church said, summing up his instructions into terms that even a brain-dead monkey could understand, "just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him."

Caboose nodded and ran towards the Base but halfway there, he stopped and turned back. "Uh, how will I know if I see him?"

"There's only three of us out here, Rookie," Tucker replied. "He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us."

"Now get in there and don't come out!" Church ordered, watching as the new guy ran into base before turning to Tucker. "Man, that guy is dumber than you are."

"You mean he's dumber than _you_ are," Tucker retorted.

"Wow, Tucker," Church stated sarcastically. "That was a great comeback."

"Uh, Mister Church, sir?" Caboose called from the Base's doorway.

"Oh my God, WHAT?!" Church yelled. "Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him."

"Uh, sorry about calling your girl a slut," Caboose stammered nervously.

"ROOKIE! SHUT UP!" Church bellowed, his patience gone. "JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!"

As Caboose ducked back inside in fright, Tucker turned around and started chuckling to himself, but Church heard that and rounded on him. "Tucker, are you laughing at me?"

At that exact moment, Donut came running up to them. "Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question?"

Church let out an exasperated sigh and closed his eyes tight. "Dear God in heaven, Rookie," he growled through gritted teeth. "If I turn around and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for I'm gonna do to you!"

Donut stepped back in alarm, puzzled by his words. "What did _I_ do?"

"One..."

"Oh, gimme a break."

"TWO!"

"Fine!" Donut snapped, running into what he assumed was the store.

Inside the Base, Caboose was just starting to get weary of standing to attention, when a figure in red armor came running into the room. Remembering Tucker's words, he quickly checked the newcomer over and not recognizing him, guessed that he was the General. "Wow, you got here fast!"

Donut didn't hear him at first, glancing out the door in annoyance. "Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?"

"I'm not, sir," Caboose replied, giving a smart salute. "What can I help you with?"

Donut turned to Caboose, thinking he was one of the storekeepers, and gave a reassured smile. "Finally, someone with a little respect around here."

"Yes, sir." Caboose stepped to one side to reveal the flag. "I assume you're here because of this."

Upon seeing the flag, Donut's face fell. "Wait, is this all you have?"

"Uh, yes, sir. That's it!"

"Aw, man," Donut sighed. "This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?"

Caboose looked puzzled. His leader certainly didn't explain anything about that. "Uhhhhh..."

"Headlight fluid?"

"Nope, all we have is this flag."

"Well, I can't go back empty-handed," Donut decided with a shrug. "I guess I'll take that."

Caboose quickly got out the way as Donut went up to the flag, grabbed it by the mast and pulled it out. "Sure, that makes sense... I guess."

With a sigh, Donut hoisted the flag over his shoulder and left the 'store'. "Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag."

Outside the Base, Church turned his attention back to the tank, thus missing Donut as he ran back into the canyon. "Well, enough gabbing out of us," he told his aqua teammate. "Let's take this bad boy for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker."

"Me?" Tucker asked. "I can't drive that thing."

Church stared at him in confusion. "You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?"

"I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle," Tucker replied. "Don't _you_ know how to drive it?"

"No!" Church cried out. "Holy crap, WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY?!"

At that moment, Caboose poked his head out of the Base door. "Hey," he called out. "Just wanted to let you know, the General stopped by and picked up the flag!"

"Yeah, okay, whatever, moron," Church yelled back before turning back to Tucker. "Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing?" Just then, Caboose's words hit his mind and he turned back to the Base. "Wait a second... what did he just say?"


	5. The Package is in the Open

Upon discovering that the flag had been stolen, the Blues immediately ran onto the roof. Caboose told Church and Tucker what had happened and when he was done, Church sighed and put his hand over his visor. "Let me get this straight," he said slowly. "You gave this guy our flag?"

"Is that bad?" Caboose asked nervously.

"Bad? Oh no, that's not bad," Church replied, his voice thick with sarcasm. "Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole Goddamn Base?"

Just then, Tucker spotted movement in the middle of the canyon. "There! There he is."

"Where?" Church drew out his sniper rifle and peered around through the scope until he spotted Donut. "Oh, yeah, oh I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs."

"He must be one smart son of a bitch," Tucker agreed.

At that moment in the canyon, Donut paused for a bit, glancing around the canyon in confusion. "Oh man, I am so freakin' lost," he muttered, setting off again. "Where the hell is the Base?"

Back at Blue Base, Church zoomed in on the retreating Red rookie. "Oh shit," he hissed. "Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red."

"Oh man," Tucker groaned. "That means it's their Sergeant."

"Well, that makes sense," Church agreed. "At least now we know how he got past our defenses."

"Uh, you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing," Caboose pointed out.

"Yeah, okay," Tucker dismissed. "Well, let's take him out then."

"Roger that," Church replied, taking careful aim. "Okay, say goodnight, Sarge." And he pulled the trigger, firing his full clip.

In the canyon, Donut ducked down in alarm as he heard gunfire behind him. "Son of a bitch!" he cried.

"Oh crap," Church sighed, realizing that he'd missed. He then noticed Tucker glaring at him. "What?"

"You're _really_ not very good with that thing, are you?" Tucker replied.

Meanwhile, having learned where the shots had come from, Donut started waving the Blue's flag around, hoping to get the 'storekeeper's' attention. "Hey! It's me! Don't shoot!" he called out. "I'm the guy who bought the flag, remember?"

The Blues didn't hear Donut's calls, but they saw the flag being waved. "Oh great, now he's taunting us," Tucker sighed. "That's just embarrassing."

"Alright, that's it, I've had it," Church snapped, throwing his sniper aside and grabbing an assault rifle. "Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter and cut him off at the pass."

"Right!" Caboose replied.

Church then ran across the roof towards a doorway filled with glowing green energy. "Tucker, you ready? Let's go."

But Tucker didn't look too encouraged. "There is _no way_ I'm going through that thing."

"Tucker, we don't have time for this," Church yelled. "Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?"

"I don't know, why would they give a tank that nobody can drive?"

"We already tested the teleporter, remember?"

"We threw _rocks_ through it!"

"Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?"

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered in black stuff."

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is about," Church realized. "You're afraid of a little black stuff."

"Yes, I am," Tucker admitted. "I am afraid of black stuff."

With a sigh, Church drew out his assault rifle and aimed it at his teammate's head. "Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you."

"You wouldn't," Tucker gasped, stepping back in shock.

"You know, I look at it this way," Church replied smugly. "Either A: we go through there and get the flag back, or B: we stay here and I get to kill ya. Either way, I win."

Tucker gave a reluctant sigh and stepped towards the teleporter, pausing to glare at Church. "For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people."

"Duly noted," Church retorted, pointing at the door with his rifle. "Now get in there."

"Crap..." Tucker turned to look at the teleporter and took a deep breath. "Okay. One... two..." And he ran straight into the teleporter and disappeared.

Quickly, Church and Caboose turned towards the exit installed in the middle of the canyon, waiting to see Tucker emerge. They waited... and waited... and waited a little longer... but nothing happened.

"Huh," said Caboose puzzled. "He didn't come out the other side."

"Yeeeaaaahh," Church agreed, rubbing his arm nervously. "I, uh, I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter." With that, he jumped off the roof and took off into the canyon. "Okay, Rookie, you stay here," he called over his shoulder. "I'll be back with the flag."

Meanwhile, at the Red Base, Grif had heard the gunshots from earlier and was now scouting out the area through the scope of the Red Team's sniper rifle. Simmons however was looking around in confusion. "I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots."

"I'm telling you," Grif sighed. "There was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam..."

"Wait a second," Simmons said. "That was only three bams."

Grif shot Simmons a very stern look. "Bam." He then looked back through the scope, just in time to see Church jumping off the Blue Base's roof. "Wait a second, we got a Blue guy on the move out there."

"Where's he headed?" Simmons asked, suddenly on the alert.

Grif looked around the canyon until he spotted another figure in the middle of the canyon. "Oh crap. It's... It's Donut. And he's got something. It looks like..." He adjusted the zoom on the scope, stared at Donut for a few seconds then he slowly turned to his teammate. "Simmons, get the Warthog."

"You mean the Puma?" Simmons chuckled.

"Yeah, keep making jokes," Grif grunted as they ran towards the ramp. "That'll win the war."


	6. 1.21 Giga-Whats??

In the middle of the canyon, Church spotted Donut as he paused by the exit to the teleporter and ran over to him, assault rifle raised. "Freeze!"

Donut whirled around at that command, looking quite angry. "Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, dick!"

"Can it!" Church snapped, pointing his gun at the Red's head. "Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

"I just got here two hours ago," Donut retorted. "And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private."

Church looked over the new soldier for a moment, then he lowered his gun in shock. "Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant."

"Yes, that's what I just said," Donut said.

"Well, then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?" Church demanded, reaching out to take it back.

"Steal?" Donut cried, moving just out of reach. "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!"

Suddenly, in a flash of light, a soldier in black armor burst out of the teleporter exit. "Three!"

"JESUS!" Church gasped, jumping back in shock.

"Holy shit!" Donut cried, dropping the flag in alarm. "Who is this guy?"

"What in the hell?" Church took a closer look at the new arrival as he shook his head, revealing a glimpse of aqua color barely obscured by the black soot on his armor. "Tucker? Is that you?"

Once the pain subsided, Tucker turned and gasped as he saw Church. "How did you get up here ahead of me?"

"And what's with the black shit on your armor?" Donut asked.

Hearing him, Tucker turned and drew out his pistol, pointing it at Donut. "Hey, freeze, Sarge!"

"Would you stop calling me a Sergeant?" Donut snapped. "I'm still just a Private!"

"The Sarge is still a Private?" Tucker asked, lowering his pistol. Then a terrible thought crossed his mind. "Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!"

Meanwhile, at the Red Base, Grif and Simmons ran over to the Warthog which was currently playing some light Tejano music from its stereo.

"Sorry, Lopez, we need the jeep," Grif said, jumping into the driver's seat.

"I'll take gunner," Simmons added, climbing up behind the turret. "Let's roll!"

Grif started the car and drove off into Blood Gulch. "How do you turn off the fucking radio in this thing?"

"Don't worry, Lopez," Simmons called behind him. "I'll bring her back in one piece."

Lopez didn't reply as he watched them go, somehow knowing that everything was about to go horribly wrong.

Back in the canyon, Tucker quickly decided to take advantage of his little 'time-jump'. "Look, I know you don't know me," he explained slowly to Church. "But you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here," he pointed to Donut. "He gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, 'There is _no way_ you can pick up chicks in a tank!'"

Church stared at his teammate like he'd gone around the twist. "Tucker... what the fuck are you babbling about?"

"I know all this sounds crazy," Tucker reassured. "But he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted."

"Is this guy a retard?" Donut hissed.

"Red, shut it," Church snapped before turning to his blackened teammate, unaware of the music building up behind him. "Tucker, listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, alright? This _is_ the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just- For God's sake, WHAT is that music?"

Just then, an armor-plated vehicle came flying over the hill behind the Blues. "Woohoo!" yelled Grif at the top of his voice.

"Holy shit!" Tucker gasped, jumping out of the way before the Warthog landed.

"Son of a bitch!" Church yelped, taking off towards the cliff. "Run! Jesus, run!"

"The jeep followed me back in time!" Tucker cried, running after his leader.

As Grif pulled the vehicle to a halt, Simmons grabbed the machine gun and opened fire on Church and Tucker, making them cry out in shock as they reached the cliff. "Yeah, that's right, get off your ass and run, you cockbites!" Simmons jeered. "Not so pretty when you gotta run, are ya?"

Grif climbed out of the jeep and ran over to Donut. "What the hell is going on here?"

"You know what?" Donut retorted. "I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane."

"How did you get the flag?"

"I don't know, I just asked for it."

Grif did a double-take. "Wait, that worked?"

"I guess," Donut replied with a shrug. "Is it not supposed to?"

"I don't know," Grif admitted, scratching the side of his helmet. "We... we never even thought to try it. Just take the flag to the Base, I'll explain there."

But Donut dug in his heels. "Not until somebody tells me what the fuck is goi-"

"There's no time to explain that, rookie!" Grif interrupted. "Just take the flag and go to the base, I'll explain everything there."

"Fine!" Donut scowled, before snatching up the flag and running back the way he'd come.

"Back to _our_ Base, dumbass," Grif groaned.

"I know that," Donut replied, spinning around and running the other way. "I just... got turned around, that's all."

At the Blue Base, Caboose watched through the scope of Church's sniper rifle as Church and Tucker hid behind a boulder on the cliff. "Oh man, that's not good," he murmured, moving the sight on the Warthog. "Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun."

Putting down the sniper, he looked up and spotted the tank parked behind the Base. He knew that Church had ordered him to stay at the Base, but if he went out there with the tank, he might be able to save the others and get back in their good books. "Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank..." He then glanced back at the Warthog and made his decision. "Ah, screw it," he said, running towards the tank.

Back on the cliff, Church and Tucker ducked their heads behind the boulder as Simmons continued to shoot at them. "Yeah, come on! Poke your head out there! Come on, Blue!"

"Well, we'll just wait here," Church decided grimly. "That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time."


	7. Check Out the Treads on That Tank

A few minutes passed, but even though Simmons had stopped insulting the Blues, the Warthog's gun hadn't stopped firing.

"My God, doesn't that thing _ever_ run out of bullets?" Church cried.

"You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank," Tucker said.

"Hey Tucker," Church snapped. "What good is a tank gonna do us if nobody can drive it?"

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy," Tucker countered.

"Well, yeah, but..." Church broke off with a sigh, knowing Tucker was right. "Oh man, I guess I better give that to you."

At the Blue Base, Caboose climbed onto the tank, pulled open the driver's canopy and jumped into the cabin. As the roof closed over his head, the tank's engine started, and a gentle mechanical voice spoke. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

Caboose jumped and glanced around the cabin in panic until he realized that the voice was coming from the speakers above his head. "Hello... Sheila... big tank lady."

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" Sheila asked politely.

"Oh, that would be nice," Caboose replied, reassured by the voice's manners. "Thank you."

"Tutorial program activated," Sheila stated. "This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-Class tank. Let's begin with some driving."

"Okay," Caboose said nervously as the tank drove itself into the canyon.

Back at the base of the cliff, while Simmons kept shooting at the Blues, Grif looked around the canyon for another way around. Seeing one at last, he turned to his teammate. "Simmons!" he called. But Simmons didn't hear him. "SIMMONS!" he shouted louder.

This time, Simmons stopped shooting and climbed down from the turret.

"Man, that thing is _loud_ ," Grif said.

Unfortunately, Simmons couldn't hear what Grif had said, having been temporarily deafened by the gun. "...WHAT?"

"Come on," Grif said, pointing to the other side of the cliff. "Let's sneak around the rock and get 'em."

"OKAY!" Simmons yelled, his hearing slowly returning.

"Keep it down!" Grif hissed. "Jesus. Let's go before they figure out what's going on."

Nearby, Caboose had somehow gotten Sheila stuck on top of a rock and the tank's AI had now taken control in getting itself off again. "Now that you have mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features."

"No, no, wait, go back!" Caboose cried in a panic. "Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?"

Up on the cliff, Church carefully peeked out from behind their boulder, listening to the sudden silence, then he turned back to Tucker. "Psst," he hissed. "Hey, they stopped firing."

"Why are you whispering?" Tucker asked in a normal tone.

"Um, I don't know," Church admitted.

Below them, Grif and Simmons had reached the other side of the cliff, only to discover a sheer face ahead of them.

"Aw crap," Grif sighed. "I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way."

"Tell me again," Simmons asked through clenched teeth. "Uh, why did we get out of the jeep?"

"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long," Grif replied.

"Well, at least _that_ was fun," Simmons retorted.

Suddenly, the two Reds became aware of a rumbling sound behind them. As one, they turned around... and found themselves staring down the barrel of a massive tank.

"Ho-ly crap!" Grif gasped. "What in God's name is that thing?"

Back behind the rock, Tucker had suddenly noticed that the Warthog was vacant and was about to run out when Church stopped him. "Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out."

"No, they're not," Tucker argued, pointing at the car. "Look, they left the jeep. They're gone."

"Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but..." Church shook his head. "Alright, screw it. Let's go get it."

Meanwhile, the Reds stood frozen in fear as the tank slowly moved its turret to and fro.

"Dude, hold still," Grif hissed to Simmons through a private COM-channel in his helmet radio. "I don't think it sees us."

At that moment, the tank pointed its barrel directly at Grif's head...


	8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper

After a long pause, the tank's turret moved away from Grif to Simmons then back again.

"Why is it just sitting there?" Grif breathed.

"Just trying to mess with our heads," Simmons hissed from the corner of his mouth. "Let's get back to the Warthog."

Inside the tank's cabin, Sheila gave Caboose her next instruction. "This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button."

Caboose started to glance over the control panel, ignoring Sheila's next warning. "Auto-fire, auto-fire... Ha, here! No, wait... okay, that's more like a switch than a button."

Outside, Simmons turned to Grif. "Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One-"

"Wait," Grif interrupted. " _On_ three, or three and _then_ go?"

" _On_ three," Simmons replied. "It's always faster to go on three."

"Okay, okay, on three," Grif agreed.

But by then, Caboose had found the auto-fire button. "Here!" he cried, pressing it.

"Tutorial deactivated," Sheila announced. "Auto-fire sequence activated."

"Ready?" Simmons asked.

Grif nodded as the tank moved its turret towards them. "Acquiring target."

Above them on the cliff, Church stepped out into the open. "I'm going for the jeep," he told Tucker. "Cover me."

"One," Simmons counted.

But Grif chose this moment to turn and run towards the jeep, attracting Sheila's attention. "Target acquired."

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," Grif panted as he approached the Warthog.

"Two..." Simmons went on, not noticing Grif's retreat.

"Target locked," Sheila said, focusing on the back of Grif's head.

Nearby, Church had reached the bottom of the cliff, puffing and panting as he ran towards the jeep.

"Three!" Simmons turned to run, only to discover that Grif was almost at the Warthog. "Oh, you backstabbing cockbite!"

"Firing main cannon," Sheila announced.

With a booming roar, the tank fired a powerful shell, which just missed Grif and hit the Warthog, blowing it up in a massive explosion.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons gasped in horror.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Grif screamed in terror.

"Son of a bitch!" Church yelled in alarm.

At the Red Base, Lopez spotted the plume of smoke and realized that he had been right. Then he heard Grif and Simmons' yells of fright as they ran from the tank as Sheila kept shooting at them.

Back on the cliff, Church ran all the way back behind the boulder, where Tucker was waiting with a stunned expression on his face. "Dude, the jeep blew up!"

"No kidding," Church panted with a scowl. "Thanks for the update, Tucker."

In the canyon, Grif and Simmons dived behind a rock to hide from Sheila. "'Hey, I have a great idea,'" Simmons muttered, mocking Grif's voice. "'Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.' Great plan, you idiot!" he yelled, smacking Grif on the back of his helmet.

Sheila paused in her shooting to observe the environment. "All targets eliminated," she decided, turning her turret elsewhere. "Acquiring new target."

Up on the cliff, Church peeked out from behind the boulder to see what had destroyed the jeep. "Hey Tucker, look at this, man. It's the Rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare the Reds!"

"What?" Tucker cried, peeking over Church's shoulder. "No way."

With a disbelieving laugh, Church stepped out onto the cliff side. "Hey Rookie, good job, man!" he called down. "Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

Hearing his voice, Sheila turned the turret towards the cliff. "New target acquired."

Caboose frowned as he saw who Sheila was aiming at in the tanks' HUD. "That's not a target. That's Church!"

"Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church!" the cobalt leader called, unaware of the danger. "What's going on, man?"

At that moment, Sheila had fixed her aim on Church. "Target locked."

"What? No!" Caboose started pounding on the auto-fire button. "Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!" But his pleas went unheard.

"Firing main cannon," Sheila announced.

"Uh-oh..." Caboose gulped.

"Uh-oh," Tucker gasped, ducking back behind the boulder.

"What?" Church asked before turning and seeing the tank's barrel pointed right at him. "Oh, son of a bi-"

Before his sentence was finished, Sheila opened fire, the explosion launching Church high into the air, smacking against the cliff before landing on the ledge with a loud sickening, bone-crunching, organs-rupturing thud.

"Holy fuck!" Tucker cried, running out of cover. "Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church!" He turned and glared down at Caboose. "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

Cringing in fear, Caboose pressed the auto-fire button one last time. "Auto-fire sequence deactivated," Sheila announced.

Just then, Church let out an agonized groan. "Tucker!" he called out weakly. "T-Tucker!"

"Church!" Tucker gasped, kneeling next to his teammate. "It's gonna be okay, man."

"No..." Church tried to move, but he couldn't feel his body anymore. "I'm no- I'm not gonna make it. Tucker... there's something I need to tell you."

"What is it?" Tucker breathed, almost on the brink of tears.

"I just wanted you to know..." Church took another painful breath. "I always hated you... I always hated you the most."

"Yeah, I know you did," Tucker sighed, his grief suddenly gone as he got back to his feet. "Now hurry up and die, you prick."

"Okay," Church moaned, taking his last breath before dying. "Herk... bleah..."


	9. After Church

Taking advantage of the tank's distraction, Grif and Simmons ran back to Red Base, onto the roof where Donut was waiting.

"What happened?" Donut asked.

Grif bent double, gasping for breath. "Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!"

"Damn man, we only ran like three hundred feet," Simmons said, shaking his head. "You are _really_ out of shape."

"Fuck... you..." Grif panted.

"Where's your car?" Donut asked.

"General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind," Simmons replied.

"Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up," Grif retorted, getting his breath back.

"You lost the jeep?" Donut cried. "Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?"

Right on cue, there was a loud explosion and the burning remains of the Warthog was thrown over their heads, landing on the roof between them.

"What the hell?" Grif asked before the base shook under another shot. "SON OF A BITCH!"

"Holy crap!" Donut gasped, his face paling as he spotted Sheila. "What the hell is that thing?"

"That's the tank!" Grif screamed, ducking below the ramp.

Donut then remembered that he was still carrying the flag. "Hey uh, Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a bit?"

"No, keep that away from me!" Grif yelped, backing away from Donut like he was holding a venomous snake.

In the middle of the canyon, Tucker watched as Sheila fired another round, sending the Warthog crashing through the base's skylight. "Why do you keep firing at the jeep?"

"Because it's locked on," Caboose replied.

"Target locked," Sheila confirmed.

"Well, _unlock_ it!" Tucker ordered.

"Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!" Caboose reminded him.

"Oh, right," Tucker gulped, paling under his soot-covered armor. "Keep shooting the jeep then."

Back at Red Base, Donut poked his head up from the other ramp, looking to Grif and Simmons as Sheila fired at the Base again. "I hate to be the one to point this out, guys, but I think we're screwed."

"Yeah," Simmons replied grimly. "I have to agree with the rookie on this one."

Just then, the radios in their helmets switched on and a familiar voice called out to them. "Blood Gulch Outpost #1. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This Sergeant-"

"Oh my God!" Grif gasped, switching on his radio. "Sarge, is that you?"

"Roger that, Private," Sarge replied. "I am currently inbound to your position from Command."

Simmons got on the radio too. "Sir, this is Simmons."

"Hello, Simmons," Sarge said, happy to hear his favorite private. "I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone."

"Actually, Sir, things are kind of hectic right now," Grif admitted nervously as Sheila shot off one of the barriers on the roof. "The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to infiltrate the Blue Base. And now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is _dead_ , and there's a huge fucking tank about to destroy our Base."

Sarge didn't reply immediately, leaving the other Reds concerned of his thoughts.

"Am I talking to the right Base?" Sarge finally asked.

"Sarge!" Grif yelled. "We. Are going. To DIE HERE!"

"Well, then hold tight, boys," Sarge replied. "I think I gotta solution to your little 'tank' problem."

Back in the canyon, Tucker saw a shadow falling over them and he looked up to a Pelican-Class dropship hovering over the Red Base. "Uh oh." Quickly he backed away, getting as far from the tank as he could. "Hey, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now."

Caboose started pounding on the buttons and switches on the control panel in a panic. "I can't figure out how to get this thing open!"

"Night vision engaged," Sheila announced.

"Rookie, get out NOW!" Tucker yelled.

At that moment, the Pelican started dropping bombs into the canyon, drawing closer to Sheila.

"Okay, open the door, okay," Caboose gasped, pushing on the canopy roof. "Sheila, would you please open the door?"

"Driver canopy open," Sheila replied, lifting the roof. As Caboose climbed out the cabin and scrambled away, she began her closing statement. "Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-"

KABLAAAAMMMMMM! A bomb landed on Sheila, flipping her backwards with the explosion.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap, running, running, running!" Caboose cried as he fled, shrapnel bouncing off his armor. Finally, he reached Tucker and let out a sigh of relief. "Man, that was close."

"Look at your tank though," Tucker said, pointing behind him.

Caboose turned to see Sheila in a very sorry state, upside down with sparks shooting out of the cabin. "I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream?" her voice warbled, fading into nothing as her power faded. " _Daiiiisy... Daaaiiiisyyyyy..._ "

"SHEEEEILAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Caboose screamed.

"What? No! Sheila, Sheila!" Tucker cried, before frowning in confusion. "Wait, who's Sheila?"

"Sheila's the lady in the tank," Caboose sobbed, covering his visor with his hands. "She was my friend."

Tucker paused as the thought sank in. "Oh dude!" he then said. "I _knew_ you could pick up chicks in a tank!"


	10. A Shadow of His Former Self

The moment the surviving Blues got back to Base, Caboose set to work on cleaning Tucker's armor with some detergent and a chamois, while Tucker tried to contact Command through his helmet radio. For about fifteen minutes, he got no reply, but he kept trying. "Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"

"Okay, that is the last of it," Caboose declared, stepping back to admire his work. "Your armor is clean now."

Tucker took a quick look at his armor, happy to see its usual aqua color once more. "Did you get all the black stuff off?"

Caboose nodded with a smile.

Just then, Tucker's radio switched on. "This is Blue Command," came the reply. "Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha."

"Hello, Command!" Tucker cried, relieved to hear the voice of Vic, the radio operator of Blue Command. "We need help!"

"Roger that, Blood Gulch," Vic replied. "What is your request?"

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here," Tucker explained. "We need men!"

For a while, Vic didn't reply. "...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?"

"No, no, no, not like that!" Tucker protested. "We need more men to help us!"

"Roger that," Vic said. "Did you get the tank we sent?"

"Yeah, that got blown up too."

"Wow, sucks to be you."

"Yeah, we know," Tucker sighed.

There was another pause and Tucker could hear the sounds of a keyboard being typed. Then Vic came back on. "Okay, here's what we can do: the nearest Blue forces can be there in 16 days, or-"

" _16 days?!_ " Tucker cried. "That's almost two weeks!"

"OR," Vic continued, "I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him over there within a few hours."

"I like the 'in an hour' one," Caboose suggested, overhearing the conversation through his radio.

"Yeah, me too," Tucker agreed before getting back on the radio. "Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution."

"10-4, Blood Gulch," Vic confirmed. "We will contact Freelancer Tex and have him there post-haste. Over and out."

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank," Tucker added, just too late as the call had ended.

"What's a Freelancer?" Caboose asked.

"Freelancers are independent," Tucker explained. "They're not Red or Blue; they're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money."

Caboose nodded in understanding. "Like a mercenary."

"Right, or like your mom when the rent's due," Tucker joked.

For a moment, Caboose was silent, thinking over Tucker's words, then he started laughing. "Oh, that's funny."

"Yeah?" Tucker chuckled. "You didn't think it was too obvious?"

"No, not at all," Caboose replied. "It was- it was good."

Just then, their mirth was interrupted by a ghostly voice calling out from behind them. "Tuuuuuuckerrrrr.... Tuuuuuuuckerrrrrr..."

The two Blues whirled around and what they saw made them nearly jump out of their armor in fright. There, standing in front of the Base's door, was a ghostly-white figure, its body transparent so that they could see the Base right through him.

"Who the hell are you?!" Tucker yelled, his voice shaking in terror.

"I am the ghost of Chuuuurch," the figure replied eerily. "And I've come back with a warrrrniiiing..."

"You're not Church," Caboose replied, quickly getting over his shock. "Church is blue. You're white."

"Rookie, shut up, man!" Church snapped in his normal tones. "I'm a freaking ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?"

"Yeah, that's definitely him," Tucker confirmed, also at ease.

"Now I gotta start all over again..." Church cleared his throat and started speaking in a ghostly voice again. "Tuuuuuuckerrrrr, Tuuuuuuuckerrrrrr... And I've come back with a warrrrniiiing..."

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?" Tucker asked.

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying," Caboose agreed.

"Fine," Church sighed. "Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give a warning about Tex. Don't let-"

"What's the warning?" Caboose cut in.

"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!" Church snapped.

"Oh, sorry," Caboose murmured.

"Seriously, man," Church groaned, pinching the middle of his visor. "I'm coming back from the Great Beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's _not_. It's not like just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."

"Sorry," Caboose repeated, bowing his head.

"I mean, it's bad enough you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man." Church took a deep breath to calm down then he turned to Tucker. "Okay, here's the deal-"

"Is this the warning?" Caboose interrupted again.

"Alright, that's it," Church growled, his body glowing red with anger. "I swear to _God_ , Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug me," Tucker agreed.

Church took another calming breath, his body fading back to white, then he turned back to his teammate. "Alright, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed at Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No," Tucker replied. In all honesty, Church had never once mentioned that the whole time they'd known each other. Even their late Captain hadn't brought it up in conversation.

"Sidewinder?" Caboose asked. "Isn't that the ice planet?"

"Yes," Church replied.

"Cool! What was that like?"

"Um... It was cold."

"That's it? Just cold?" Caboose asked disappointed.

"What do you want from me, a poem?" Church retorted. "It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really. Fucking. Cold!"

"Will you just let him talk?" Tucker demanded.

"Alright, well..." Church began his story, closing his eyes as the memories of Sidewinder flowed back into his mind...

* * *

_A blizzard was starting to pick up over the frozen wastes of the plains. On one side of a large horseshoe-shaped canyon, several soldiers in blue armor kept watching, shivering with the cold. Then Church marched past them, followed by another Blue who was chatting to him affably._

* * *

"One day, when I was there, everything was just like normal," Church told his team. "I remember I was on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a good kid, everybody liked him."

"Do you think I was a good kid?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker, don't get jealous, man," Church scolded, opening one eye for a moment. "Just listen to the story, okay? Like I was saying, everyone was just hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold..."

* * *

_"Man, it's fucking cold," moaned one Blue._

_"I hope we get some action," his friend agreed._

_Nearby Church and Jimmy had stopped under a tree while the latter finished his story._

* * *

"Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about his girlfriend he had back home."

* * *

_Jimmy took a small box from out of his belt pouch and opened it. Church's eyes widened as he saw what was inside: a ring made of twenty-karat gold with a circle of diamond rings circling a larger blue-ice diamond shaped like a heart. Church knew that blue-ice diamonds, diamonds that were tinted blue, were one of the rarest gems in the galaxy, found only on ice planets like Sidewinder. Paying for that ring must have taken months of one's salary, which apparently Jimmy had been saving._

_"Yep," Jimmy stated, a hint of pride in his voice. "Soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me."_

* * *

Church's eyes opened grimly. "And that's when Tex showed up."

* * *

_At that moment, Church suddenly heard footsteps crunching in the snow and he turned to look, but there was nobody there._

* * *

"Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden, he started screaming bloody murder."

* * *

_Gunshots made everyone turn around to see Mickey running around in circles, firing his shotgun and screaming, "Bloody murder! Bloody murder!"_

_Suddenly he stopped in place but before anyone could ask, his head twisted violently around and he fell to the ground dead._

* * *

"The whole thing was over before it even started."

* * *

_As each soldier tried to grab their weapons, they were taken out one by one by an unseen figure._

_Soon, only Church and Jimmy were left. They drew out their guns and fired at anything that moved. But then, Jimmy gave out a strangled cry and Church whirled round to find him in the grip of a soldier in black armor._

* * *

"Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it."

"Wait a second," Tucker cut in. "How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming," Church replied.

* * *

_As Church stared in horror, Tex smashed a fist right through Jimmy's visor, tore out his skull and started pounding on his body with it._

_"This doesn't seem physically possible!" Jimmy screamed. Then Tex delivered a final, fatal blow to the back of his spine and Jimmy fell into the snow, breathing his last. "Hurk! Bleah..."_

* * *

"Bottom line is, these Freelancers are bad news," Church concluded. "And Tex was one of the worst."

"If he's such a badass, how come he didn't kill you?" Caboose asked.

"To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead," Church admitted, recalling that final moment. "Coulda killed me at any point..."

* * *

_With Jimmy dead, Tex turned to look at Church, who backed slowly away, keeping his pistol raised. But after a while, Tex just nodded and turned to leave when he spotted Jimmy's bloodstained ring box lying next to his body. Snatching it up, he opened the box to look inside then he closed the box, pocketed the ring and ran off into the plains. Church ran after Tex for a few seconds but he lost track of him as he disappeared into the blizzard, leaving Church surrounded by the bodies of his team, their blood staining the rocks and snow._

* * *

"But maybe it's because Tex and I had run into each other once before."

"Where?" Tucker asked.

"You uh... you remember that girl I told you about back home?" When Tucker and Caboose nodded, Church sighed, closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Well... let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married."

When Church opened his eyes, he suddenly saw that his legs were starting to disappear. "Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back," he called. "Just listen to my warning: Don't let Tex get involved here."

"Okay," Tucker replied.

"I mean it, Tucker," Church insisted. "No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it..." But he faded away before his warning was done.

Tucker let out a breath and turned to Caboose. "So... Tex and Church were after the same girl."

"I told you her girlfriend was a slut," Caboose agreed.

At that moment, a figure wearing black armor appeared in front of the Blue Base, the sunlight glinting off a diamond ring hanging from a chain around his neck...


	11. Knock, knock. Who's there? Pain.

At the Red Base, while Lopez got to work on repairing the damaged Warthog, Sarge listened as Grif, having been abandoned by Simmons and Donut, told him what had happened while he'd been away.

"And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock," Grif half-murmured sheepishly. "But uh, well that's when the tank showed up and... shit just started blowing up, I don't know..."

Sarge let out a frustrated sigh. "Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?"

"I-I don't know, uh, like ten, or t-twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe?" Grif trailed off when he saw Sarge's withering glare. "Uh, you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?"

"Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man," Sarge replied, venom laced in his words. "I'm gonna give you a ten second head start before I let Lopez here do anything he wants to ya." As he spoke, Lopez put down his tools, stood up and reached for his assault rifle.

Grif gulped nervously. "Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and-"

"Five Mississippi," Sarge counted, cocking his shotgun. "Six Mississippi."

"Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then," Grif decided, turning and fleeing back to base.

Sarge and Lopez swapped understanding looks then they took off after Grif, firing their guns.

"Hey! Guys, that's not funny!" Grif yelped, ducking his head down as he ran. "Somebody could get hurt here."

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Tex was firing his pistol, getting the sights properly aligned while Tucker explained the situation.

"That's basically it, sir," he finished. "They have five guys over there and a big jeep."

"And your flag," Tex reminded him in a deep voice.

"Right, that too," Tucker agreed.

Tex then took out a glowing plasma grenade and threw it in the direction he'd been shooting. Hearing the cry of alarm before it exploded, Tucker decided to step in. "Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here."

As he spoke, Tucker turned to see Caboose standing in front of one of the roof barriers, riddled with bullet holes outlining his body. "I'm scared," Caboose whimpered.

Tex didn't say anything; instead he turned the other way and started checking over the rest of his equipment. Caboose took this opportunity to run back to Tucker.

"So, you've got the Special Forces black armor, I see," Tucker said conversationally, eager to get to know their newest member. "Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"

Again, Tex said nothing as he reloaded his assault rifle.

"Yeah, I used to have black armor too," Tucker went on. "It was black because I got this stuff all over it from the-" At that moment, Tex put his gun away and jumped off the roof. "Oh, okay, you gotta go?" Tucker called out. "I'll see you later."

"I don't think he likes you," Caboose hissed loudly behind his hand.

"Thanks," Tucker sighed.

He then ran to the edge of the roof to see Tex setting off into the canyon. "Where are you going?"

Tex stopped and turned around, pointing to the other side of the canyon. "Red Base," he replied. "Kill everyone. Get the flag back."

"Oh, okay," Caboose called as Tex set off again. "We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter..."

Back at Red Base, Grif came out of hiding and found Simmons waiting for him, interested to hear what Sarge had told him.

"So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed," Grif lied through his teeth. "Probably because somebody didn't believe in it."

"Bullshit," Simmons snapped, having already heard the truth from Sarge. "He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges." So saying, he snatched Grif's rifle out of his hands.

Then Donut joined the others, still holding the Blues' flag over his shoulder. "Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own color armor now?"

"What do you mean, 'captured'?" Simmons asked puzzled. "You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot?"

"Still, you think there's a shot?" Donut persisted.

Simmons then gave a wicked smile. "Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor since he destroyed the Warthog."

"Yeah," Grif chuckled before realizing what Simmons had said. "Wait... You- you don't think they'd do that, do you?"

Outside, Lopez resumed his work on the Warthog. He always found building and repairing machines to be very relaxing, but his moment of pleasure was interrupted today by Sarge offering to help. "Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there. I think that's what making that rattle."

Finally, Lopez had enough. Without turning his head or even getting up, he drew out his pistol and pointed it at Sarge's head.

"Uh, I think I'll let you do it," Sarge decided, backing up a bit.

Smiling to himself, Lopez put his gun away and went back to work in peace.

At that moment, Sarge heard footsteps and felt a strange presence behind him, making him turn around. "What the...? What was that?"

On the Base's roof, the other Reds were keeping a look out, when Simmons suddenly looked down over the edge.

"Simmons, what's going on?" Grif asked. "What's over there?"

"I thought I saw something for a second," Simmons replied slowly, not noticing the invisible figure running around the other side of the base.

"Hey rookie, tuck the flag some place safe until we can figure out what's goin' on," Grif hissed.

"Good idea," Donut said, throwing the flag into the broken skylight. "I was sick of carrying this thing anyway."

Behind them, Tex picked up a pebble and threw it at one of the roof barriers, making the Reds turn.

"Did you hear that?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah," Grif replied.

"Hey, what's going on?" Donut hissed.

Having distracted the Reds, Tex then grabbed a plasma grenade off his belt and threw it at them.

At that moment, Grif heard a hissing noise behind them and turned around. "What the fuck?" he gasped, jumping back.

"What?" Donut asked.

Simmons turned too and his eyes went wide. "What is _that_ thing?"

"What thing?" Donut cried, unaware of the grenade stuck to the back of his helmet.

"There's something on your head," Grif replied.

"What, is it a spider?" Donut panicked, swiping at his head. "Get it off!"

"No, it's not a spider," Simmons said slowly. "It's like a... blue thing."

"What, like a blue spider? GET IT OFF!"

"It's not a spider, calm down," Grif shouted. "It's some kinda... fuzzy, pulsating thing."

"That doesn't sound much better than a spider," Donut scowled.

"Does it hurt?" Simmons asked.

"No," Donut replied uncertainly.

"Maybe we should try to take it off," Simmons said to Grif.

"Good idea," Grif agreed. "Go for it."

"Me?" Simmons asked. "By 'we', I meant 'you', asshole."

"Well, somebody needs to get it off," Donut insisted. "Look, it might be dangerous."

At that very moment, KABOOOOOM! Donut's head was enveloped in a large explosion.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Simmons and Grif yelled in horror.

In the confusion, Tex sprung into action. Still invisible, he leapt onto the roof and kicked Grif's legs out from under him, sending him sprawling on the roof.

"Sim- where'd he go?" Grif grunted, looking for his teammate.

Tex then turned off his cloaking device, revealing himself to Grif as he aimed his rifle at his head.

"Don't kill me," Grif pleaded. "I'm too good-looking to die!"

The last thing Grif saw was Tex raising his gun before feeling a powerful blow to his head and everything went black...


	12. Down, but not Out

At Blue Base, Caboose watched Tex's action through the scope of Church's sniper rifle, hearing Grif's shouts of pain. "Man, he is really kicking their asses."

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" Tucker scowled, his arms folded.

Caboose lowered the sniper and turned to Tucker. "I'm _really_ glad Tex is on our team and not theirs."

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us," Tucker agreed.

"Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade."

"It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us."

"Ya know, you think so?" Caboose asked, rubbing the back of his neck. "You know, I was gonna say something, but, uh, well you know, uh... nah."

"Did Tex get in the Base?" Tucker asked.

Caboose looked through the scope again, in time to see Tex leaping off the roof and running into the Red Base. "Yeah."

Quickly, the two Blues ran to their skylight to look into the flag room. Each team's flag was mounted on a special mast that contained a secret matter-transporter button that when pressed, would teleport the flag back into its original base. After a few seconds, there was a brief flash of light and the flag reappeared in its original spot.

"Blue Team, flag returned," came a deep voice behind them.

"What the...?" Tucker gasped, spinning around. "Who said that?"

"Sorry, that was me," answered a more familiar voice as Church appeared on top of the ramp, clearing his throat. "I-I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag's back, by the way."

"Hey, it's Church!" Caboose cried.

"Yeah, it's me," Church replied. "Hey, Caboose."

"Hey, Church," Caboose said with a peppy smile. "What're you up to?"

"Caboose, I'm not really here to make small talk, okay?" Church chuckled. "How'd you guys manage to get the flag back?"

Tucker swapped a nervous look with Caboose, trying to hide the fact that they'd disobeyed his warning. "Wh-what? Oh, uh, that flag? We've always had _that_."

But Church didn't buy it. "Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool?" He'd already seen that Tex had arrived shortly before he'd disappeared earlier, and he'd hoped that the others would have listened to him. "Hey, wait a second," he suddenly realized. "Where's Tex?"

"I'm not really sure," Tucker lied. "He said he was gonna go to the store, something about, uh... elbow grease..."

Church however had been with Tucker long enough to know when he was lying. "Oh great," he muttered. "This is so typical! What was the _one_ thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"That... Sidewinder was cold?" Caboose asked helpfully.

Church gave an angry sigh. "What was the _other_ one thing I told you?"

"Not to let him get involved?" Tucker replied.

"Right. And what did you do?" Church asked in the manner of a scolding parent coaxing their child to confess that he'd broken a window while playing ball in the house.

"We let him get involved," Tucker answered timidly, bowing his head in shame.

"And not just a little involved. _How_ involved?"

"Very, very involved," Caboose murmured, his sheepishness mirroring Tucker's.

At that moment at the Red Base, Tex was dusting his hands off in pride. Another successful flag recovery, although the soldiers here weren't as well prepared as his previous mission. He then made towards the exit when suddenly...

"Freeze!" Sarge appeared in the doorway, aiming his shotgun at Tex's head.

Momentarily startled, Tex turned to run through the other exit, but Lopez was already there, assault rifle pointed at him.

"Drop your weapon," Sarge commanded.

Realizing he was cornered, Tex reluctantly threw down his rifle and pistol which Lopez quickly snatched up. Sarge then approached the prisoner, keeping his gun steady.

Tex's eyes narrowed. "Hey, buddy."

"What?" Sarge snarled.

"You really better hope the first one knocks me out," Tex replied acidly.

Sarge nodded then he raised his shotgun and slammed its butt right on Tex's head, knocking him back into Lopez's arms, out cold.

On the roof, Grif slowly opened his eyes, blinking hard from the pain shooting through his skull. "Ow, what the...?" he groaned, carefully sitting up. "My freakin' head. Jesus..."

Hearing Grif's moans, Simmons looked up from where he was treating an unconscious Donut. "He's hurt, Grif," he stated grimly, wiping his bloodied hands on his legs. "He'll make it, but we need to get him some help, fast."

"Yeah, yeah, hold on one second." Grif screwed up his eyes and rubbed his head. "What happened here? First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait," Simmons cut in. "I did _not_ faint. Something knocked me out."

"Okay, fine, keep lying to yourself," Grif chuckled, getting to his feet. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"Man, just go find Sarge," Simmons sighed. "We need to get Donut outta here."

"Yeah, sure." Grif set down the ramp, pausing at the bottom to look round. "Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking."

"Whatever, no one likes you anyway," Simmons dismissed, turning back to tend the injured Donut.

Back at Blue Base, Caboose watched through the scope in horror as Grif came down the ramp and ran into the Base. "Yep, he's definitely captured," he informed his friends. "Or dead. Captured or dead." He then gasped. "Or captured _and_ dead!"

"Oh, well that's just PERFECT!" Church snapped, stamping his foot on the roof.

"What?" Tucker cried. "What is your problem? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."

"I never said I hated Tex," Church replied. "I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."

Caboose whirled around in shock. "She?!"

At the same time, at Red Base, Simmons rejoined his team in the Base's brig as Sarge and Lopez dragged Tex into one of the cells.

"Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here," Simmons told his leader.

"Could you put that on a memo and entitle it 'Shit I already know'!" Sarge snapped. "Get on the horn to Command!"

At that moment, Tex began to stir.

"Well, look who's up," Sarge sneered, as the others quickly drew out their guns. "Rise and shine, buttercup."

For a moment, Tex didn't reply. Sparks were flying from his right shoulder and a garbled voice stuttered from his helmet's speakers. Then the voice cut off, to be replaced by an angry female voice. "Oh great," Tex sighed. "You broke my voice filter. You cockbiting fucktards!"

The Reds lowered their guns in shock, swapping baffled looks.

"Ah HA! I knew it!" Grif crowed. "Only a chick could give me a headache this big!"


	13. Human Peer Bonding

At the Blue Base, Tucker, who'd been shocked by Church's statement, finally found his voice. "Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of those Reds, wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

"In a nutshell, yes," Church replied. "That's an excellent summary."

"I should have known," Caboose moaned. "She didn't like me... Girls never like me."

"Caboose, I don't think _anyone_ likes you," Tucker said unhelpfully.

"I like me," Caboose whimpered in a tiny voice.

"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before," Tucker said, turning back to Church. "Are you sure she's a chick, and not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy," Church replied with certainty. "And I'm _definitely_ sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Wait, wait, wait," Caboose cut in. "If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Uh... because she's from Texas," Church replied.

Caboose frowned and turned his head to one side.

"Trust me, it makes sense," Church insisted before turning back to Tucker. "And you can't blame her for being so aggressive," he yelled, prodding a finger through the aqua soldier's chest, making him shudder. "It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right, you should blame God," Tucker replied. "First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me." He looked up at the sky. "Thanks for nothing, God."

"Will you shut up with that?" Church snapped, swiping his hand through Tucker's head. "She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive AI. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"AI..." Caboose pondered. "What's the A stand for?"

"Artificial," Church replied.

"What's the I-"

"Intelligence."

"Ohhhhhhhhhh- what was the A again?"

"Let's move on," Church sighed.

"So, the military put this program in her head," Tucker recounted. "And that program made her a killer, but underneath it all, she's really a sweet, down-home girl?"

"Oh hell no," Church cried. "She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow, sounds like you really won the lottery with that one," Tucker muttered sarcastically. "Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper."

"So how're you doing, Caboose?" Church asked the rookie Blue. "Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

"I think so," Caboose replied slowly. "That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot."

"Yes," Church sighed. "I am... I'm a gay robot."

At the Red Base, Sarge and Lopez left the brig to get some medical assistance for Donut, leaving Simmons and Grif to lock up Tex.

"So you're a girl, huh?" Grif asked as Simmons led Tex into a cell.

Tex just returned an icy glare.

"Just ignore him," Simmons advised. "That's what I do." Once Tex was in the cell, he pushed a button next to the entrance, which lowered three metal bars in front of Tex.

"Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?" Grif gloated.

"Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you," Tex growled.

"Yeah, right," Grif scoffed. "What're you gonna do, punch me?"

In response, Tex raised her fist and leaned forward. She didn't actually punch out, but her movement was enough to make Grif jump back. "Ahh! Not in the face!" he yelped, covering his visor with both hands.

Back at Blue Base, Church smiled at his teammates. "Well, don't worry because I have a plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan? Oh man, I _hate_ plans," Tucker groaned. "That means we have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a mission statement?"

Church ignored him. "I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

"Distraction?" Caboose gave a nervous chuckle. "Heh. That sounds a lot like 'decoy'."

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here," Church explained. "So what I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

"Sounds good," Tucker replied. "But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?"

Church just smiled and nodded to the other side of the roof.

Tucker turned but he could only see the teleporter. He looked at it then turned back to Church and then he realized what his leader was planning. "Oh, fuckberries..."


	14. Roomier Than it Looks

With a flash of light, Tucker emerged from the teleporter exit, his armor blackened once again.

"Are you okay, Tucker?" Church asked, appearing next to him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Tucker winced. This trip through the teleporter was still as painful as the last time, but at least there wasn't as long a delay now.

Once the pain had subsided, Tucker turned back to the Blue Base. "Come on, Caboose!"

"Does it hurt?" Caboose called back.

"No, not at all," Tucker fibbed.

"Okay, here I come!" Caboose shouted, running into the teleporter.

"Does it hurt for real?" Church asked.

"Ohh, yeah, big time," Tucker chuckled.

A few seconds later, the exit flashed again and Caboose appeared, his armor now black as well. "OWWWWWCHIE!" Caboose yelped. Then he turned to Tucker with an icy glare. "You lied to me..."

On the roof of the Red Base, Sarge and Lopez had gotten Donut airlifted back to Red Command and were now keeping a lookout for trouble.

"Aw dammit," Sarge muttered, spotting movement in the canyon. "Lopez, c'mere. Do you see somethin' out there?"

Lopez went to the edge and raised the sniper rifle, trying to spot what Sarge had seen.

Inside the Base at the brig, Grif and Simmons kept their guard over Tex, arguing once again.

"There's no 'L' in it," Simmons remarked. "It's pronounced 'both'."

"That's what I'm saying," Grif insisted. "Bolth."

"Both," Simmons retorted.

"You sound like such an ass the way you say it," Grif said.

"Grif, quit yer yammerin' and get yer keister up here!" Sarge called through their helmet radios. "Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas heading towards the Base."

"As in more than one?" Grif gulped. "Uh, maybe we should _bolth_ go, Sir."

"BOTH!" Simmons yelled.

"Seriously, man, like an ass," Grif muttered.

"Well, well, another brilliant idea from the think tank," Sarge replied with thick sarcasm. "Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honor system, have her guard herself."

"Good point, Sir," Grif sighed.

"You're GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS!" Sarge bellowed, nearly deafening Grif. "Now get your ass up here. We've got just enough time for me to spray-paint the bulls-eye on your back." He then gave a slight cough. "Uh, by 'bulls-eye', I of course mean 'camouflage'. Now move it, cupcake."

"Yeah, I'll be right up," Grif moaned, running out of the brig.

On a cliff overlooking the Base, Church scanned the area through the scope of his ghostly sniper rifle. Then he spotted Grif running out of the building and he quickly radioed his team. "Hey, Tucker. Come in, man, you there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base."

Below him, hidden behind a rock, Tucker received his leader's message. "I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base."

"Roger that," Tucker replied.

"Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, is that- is that Church?" Caboose called, inadvertently talking over Church's next order. "Tell him, that I- that I said- for me to say hi...?"

"Whoa, whoa, wait, hey, what?" Tucker asked. "I missed that, Caboose was talking to me." He turned to his teammate crossly. "Shut up, man, I'm on the radio."

Back on the cliff, Church started to repeat his message. "I said, just keep moving-"

"I'm not yelling," Tucker cut in, still shouting at Caboose. "I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said hi _later_. No, you can't talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?"

"Oh my God," Church sighed, ending the connection. "I can't believe I actually _died_ for this war."

Meanwhile at Red Base, Grif took a look through the sniper scope, sighing as he heard Lopez finishing off the bulls-eye painting on his back. "I don't see any- Uh oh," he suddenly cried, seeing a black armored figure running across the gulch. "Yep, there's one." He watched as the figure ran up to a large boulder and stopped right next to it. "Why is he just standing there?"

"Caboose!" Tucker called from his hiding place. "Get behind the rock. They can still see you!"

"They can't see me!" Caboose hissed back. "I can't see them."

"That's because you're facing the rock," Tucker groaned, visor-palming.

Caboose turned around and saw the Reds looking at him. "Oh, right," he breathed, running behind the boulder.

"Real smooth, dipshit," Tucker muttered.

"They're _definitely_ Special Ops," Sarge scowled grimly, not noticing Church coming up the ramp behind him. "I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew- Wa-kika-herger!"

Grif and Lopez whirled around at Sarge's cry, not realizing that Church was now taking over his body.

"Sir, are you okay?" Grif asked concerned.

Church took a moment to adjust to his new body before turning to Grif. "Uh... who you talking to, Red? Me?"

"No, I'm talking to Lopez," Grif replied sarcastically. "Because, you know, that's real rewarding."

Lopez scowled and swung out at Grif who quickly stepped out of the way. "Hey, what'd I tell you about that?"

"Oh, uh, I-I'm fine," Church stuttered, quickly making his voice as Sarge-like as he could. "That's... I'm just so mad about these, uh, goddamn Blues out here. They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit!" So saying he gave a loud snort and spat a big one right onto Sarge's visor.

Grif swapped a very disgusted look with Lopez. "Uh, Sir... did you just _spit_ inside your own helmet?"

"Uh, yeah," Church muttered sheepishly. "I-I guess I did."

"Permission to speak freely, Sir?"

"Go ahead."

"That's really fucking gross."

Meanwhile in the canyon, Caboose switched on his radio. "Hey, Tucker?"

"What?" Tucker asked irately.

"I'm having a really good time... with you."

"That's great, Caboose."

"Yeah," Caboose giggled. "It's like we're real soldiers."

"Would you please go hide behind another rock?" Tucker snapped before ending the call.

At Red Base, Church, still as Sarge, made his excuses and went into the building. It took him quite a while, but at last he found the brig, only to find Simmons was guarding Tex. After a quick moment of getting into character, he went into the brig. "Hey, man. What's up, yo?"

"Uh... hey...?" Simmons replied warily. "What's going on out there, Sir?"

"What's- uh, why, nothin'," Church remarked, almost stumbling on his words. "Why would ya ask if somethin's wrong?"

"I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war," Simmons explained.

"Yeah, well, I don't know," Church said slowly. "Yer starting to act kinda suspicious there... other Red guy. So I'm... keepin' my eye on you."

Simmons frowned as he turned back to Tex. "Sarge, I'm starting to think that-" But he got no further before Church punched him right on the base of his skull. "Ow, jeez, the back of my head!" Simmons yelped, blacking out just as he hit the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Tex cried.

Church hit the button next to the cell, raising the bars. "Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you!"

But Tex just eyed him suspiciously. "You're kinda short to be Church."

"What? Oh, right, the armor." With that, he stepped out of Sarge's body.

"Hurk!" Sarge cried as his mind was free. Shaking his head, he looked around in confusion. "What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spat on my visor?"

As Sarge turned to take off his helmet and wipe the saliva away, Church appeared behind him. "Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so I could sneak into the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor that they got from going through the teleporter."

Tex didn't reply, and for a moment, Church was worried that she would ask a lot of questions about how he'd died. But instead, Tex just nodded. "Okay."

"What?" Church cried. "That's it? 'Okay'? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No, it pretty much all makes sense," Tex answered, stepping out of the cell.

"Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? _That_ didn't do anything for ya?"

"I can see right through you. It's pretty obvious."

"Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here." Church turned round and saw that Sarge had now put his helmet back on so he ran back into him.

"Hurk!" Sarge yelped as he was taken over again.

Outside, Caboose observed the Base through Church's sniper rifle, watching Grif and Lopez. Then he spotted Tex emerging from the Base followed by what he thought was Sarge.

"What are you doing?" Tucker called.

"One of the Reds has Tex," Caboose replied, taking careful aim. "I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing _him_ and we will be friends."

"Oh come on," Tucker scoffed. "You don't actually believe any of that, do you?"

But Caboose didn't hear him. "Oh-ho-ho, we're gonna be best friends."

At that moment, Church glanced around the area, before turning to Tex. "Alright, I'll make one more distraction then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... two... three-"

The next thing he knew, there was a loud pain, followed by a piercing pain through his head then Sarge's body slumped to the ground, leaving a very confused Church.

"What the? Where'd my body go?" Church looked around until he spotted Caboose holding his sniper rifle. "Oh, you gotta be KIDDING me!"

"Tucker did it!" Caboose said.


	15. How the Other Half Lives

As Sarge came to, he had no idea what exactly had happened. The last thing he remembered was finding himself in the brig, cleaning his helmet and then nothing... and now, he found himself outside the Base, but there was something different. The colors of the whole canyon seemed duller than before, there were no sounds to be heard and his men were nowhere to be seen.

"Hello?" he called out, his voice echoing slightly as he got to his feet.

Slowly he made his way into the canyon, stopping at the top of a hill near the Red Base to look around.

"Hello?" he shouted again. "I said, hello? Hello? Is anybody out there?"

"Holy cow, would you stop yelling?" came another echoing voice behind him. "I'm here."

Sarge turned and saw a white armored figure coming up the hill towards him. "What is this place?"

"Well, that's... kind of hard to explain," Church replied. "Um... you were shot in the head, buddy. So, here you are."

"Am I dead?" Sarge asked puzzled.

"Are you dead?" Church sighed. "Well, yeah. That's how I ended up here."

Sarge still looked confused. "Are you some kind of angel?"

"Am I an angel?" Church chuckled then he cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah, actually I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to heaven? 'Cos it's like ten bucks to get in."

"Well, I uh, I didn't really bring any..." Sarge stuttered, patting his belt pockets. "I mean, my wallet's back in the car..."

"Hey, you don't have it there, huh?" Church remarked, trying to keep a straight face. "Well, uh... that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity."

"I don't remember dying," Sarge then realized.

"Yeah, that's my fault too," Church admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that."

"Hold on a second, that ain't fair!"

"Not fair? Hey, join the freakin' club! I got shot by my own tank!"

"Target locked," said another voice behind them.

The two soldiers whirled round to see a Scorpion-Class tank at the bottom of the hill, aiming its turret at them. Sarge stepped back in alarm, but Church just rolled his eyes. "Oh, ha ha, very funny, Sheila. Shut up. You know, I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet." He pointed to the other side of the canyon. "Go on, get- go over by the base. Shoo, shoo."

Sheila lowered her turret and drove off towards the Blue Base.

Just then, Sarge heard a voice shouting from back at the Red Base. "Sarge! Don't you give up on me, soldier. Do you hear me? I _order_ you!"

Sarge turned around and was greeted by a strange sight. At the front of the Base, a colored image showed Grif kneeling by a body on the ground, shaking it roughly by the shoulders while Simmons stood next to him, looking very concerned. "Who is that?" he breathed. "Who's there?"

"Looks like your guys are trying to save you," Church replied.

Grif then snatched up Sarge's shotgun and started pounding on his leader's chest with its butt. "You gotta breathe, man!" he yelled, on the verge of tears. "You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!"

"That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!" Sarge snapped.

"He can't hear you," Church stated matter-of-factly.

"Grif, this isn't working," Simmons sighed, taking the shotgun out of his teammate's hands. "We have to try something else."

"If he gives you mouth-to-mouth, I'm leaving," Church warned.

Simmons thought for a moment. "Maybe you should give him mouth-to-mouth."

"I'm leaving," Church grimaced.

Sarge watched as Grif knelt next to his body, took off his helmet then Sarge's and started the CPR. "I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me."

"Why wouldn't they?" Church asked. "I mean, _my_ team didn't, but why wouldn't _yours_?"

"I thought they didn't like me," Sarge sobbed, tears trickling down his grizzled face.

"Aw, don't sell yourself short," Church comforted, patting the older Red's shoulder. "I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to heaven for only five bucks."

"Hold on," Sarge then said. "If you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?"

"Because nobody rang a bell." Church laughed at his little joke. "Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?"

Sarge looked back at the image of the real world. "Oh, I feel the worst about Grif," he sighed. "I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son."

"No way!" Church cried. "The orange guy is your son?"

"Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time," Sarge admitted with a chuckle that quickly faded. "But now I'll never get that chance."

At that moment, Grif stood up. "He's breathing!" he shouted to Simmons as he pulled his helmet on. "We saved Sarge!"

"I'm what?" Sarge gasped.

"He's what?" Church cried.

"Well, I'll be a monkey's..." Sarge chuckled again. "They saved me."

"What?" Church turned to find that Sarge's body was starting to flicker and fade like a candle in the wind. "No, come back! We need to even the sides!"

"Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella!" Sarge called, his voice fading as he disappeared. "Will I remember any of this?"

"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!" Church shouted as Sarge finally left the spirit world...

* * *

With a loud cough, Sarge woke up, blinking his eyes in the blinding light as he carefully sat up. "Where... What happened here?"

"Sir, you were shot in the head," Simmons explained, kneeling next to him. "So we gave you CPR and saved you, Sir."

"I always believed in you, Simmons," Sarge beamed.

"Uh, actually it's _Grif_ you should thank, Sir," Simmons admitted as he helped Sarge to stand. "He did all the work."

Sarge smile faded as he turned to the orange soldier. "Grif?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Grif, why in hell would you give somebody CPR for a  _bullet wound in the head?!_ " Sarge bellowed. "That doesn't make a lick of sense!"

"You're welcome, Sir," Grif sighed.

"I mean, it's all so damn inconsistent!" Sarge went on. "What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera?" He then winced and rubbed his temple. "Hey, Grif, I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages?"

With another sigh, Grif began to rub Sarge's shoulders.

"Use your fingers, not your knuckles," Sarge ordered before letting out a gentle groan. "That there, that's good. Lower back... Yeah, I feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low."

Simmons smiled as he watched Grif's work. The Reds may have lost the Blues' flag and their prisoner, but their leader was going to be just fine.

 


	16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Two days after Tex's arrival in Blood Gulch, Donut, having recovered from his injuries, was back at Red Base in a brand new suit of armor which he quickly showed Grif and Simmons. "Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!"

Grif and Simmons swapped baffled looks.

"Uh... hey Donut?" Grif said.

"What?" Donut asked.

"Um, about your armor," Simmons remarked slowly.

"What about it?"

"How do I put this?" Simmons replied delicately. "Your armor is, um... it's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?"

"It's _pink_ ," Grif stated, cutting to the point. "Your armor is frickin' _pink!_ "

"Yeah, that's it," Simmons replied. "Pink."

"Pink?" Donut cried. "My armor's not pink!"

"Pink!" Grif repeated.

"Yeah, definitely pink," Simmons agreed.

Donut looked down at his armor, which was indeed as pink as Pepto-Bismal. "You guys are colorblind. Why would they give me pink armor?"

"Hey, don't ask, don't tell," Grif replied before bursting into laughter.

"Hey, that's not funny," Simmons retorted.

"It's a little funny," Grif snickered.

"Look at it, it's not pink," Donut insisted. "It's like, uh... a lightish red."

"Guess what?" Grif panted between giggles. "They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called. _Pink._ "

"I hate you guys," Donut scowled.

At that moment, Sarge came running up the ramp to the roof, followed closely by Lopez.

"Well, hello, dirtbags," Sarge addressed his men before tipping an imaginary hat to Donut. "And a fine hello to you, madam."

"It's light red," Donut grunted through gritted teeth.

"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie," Sarge chuckled. "Do you have a package for me?"

"Yes, Sir," Donut replied, eager to get the topic away from his new armor.

"Excellent."

Donut took out an envelope from his belt pocket, opened it and drew out a small black cartridge. "They said this speech unit should work with Lopez."

"Speech unit?" Grif asked puzzled.

"Here you go," Donut said, handing the card to Sarge.

"Affirmative," Sarge replied, answering Grif's question. "Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez. But once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offense, Simmons."

"Oh, don't worry," Simmons reassured. "I know who you meant, Sir."

"Wait a second," Grif cut in. "Lopez is a _robot?_ "

"Of course he is," Simmons replied as if it was obvious. "You didn't notice that he never talks?"

"I just thought he was a really quiet guy."

"And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?" Sarge added.

"Well, I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd," Grif admitted. "Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me."

Sarge turned to Lopez and carefully pulled off the armor plate on his back, revealing a high-tech panel of computer components underneath. He flicked a small switch and Lopez bowed his head as he turned off.

"Hey, Sir," Simmons called out. "You really should ground yourself before handing that card."

"How come?" Sarge asked.

"Because static could damage the card," Simmons replied.

"Come on," Sarge scoffed. "That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets." Simmons and Grif swapped worried looks as Sarge inserted the card into Lopez. "And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!" At that moment, an electric spark shot out from his fingertips and zapped the card, making him jump back. "YOW!"

"Sir, I won't say I told you so, sir," Simmons said.

"Good," Sarge grunted, waving his tingling fingers. "I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private."

"It's not pink," Donut yelled. "It's LIGHTISH RED!"

Meanwhile at the Blue Base, Tex kept an eye out for any sign of Church, while Tucker and Caboose cleaned their armor inside. After a while, Tucker's armor was back in its original aqua color but Caboose's armor was still covered in soot.

"Ah, man," Caboose panted, rubbing the chamois hard on his leg without any result. "You know, this stuff does not come off easy."

"Yeah," Tucker replied. "This was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor."

"Yeah, I know that," Caboose muttered crossly. "That's, I think, because you know, uh, you didn't  _do anything!_ "

"I'm sorry, what?" Tucker asked, cupping his hand on one side of his helmet. "It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing."

At this, Caboose burst out laughing, seeming to get Tucker's joke, but when he finished with a sigh, he then glared at his teammate. "Don't make me mad."

Back at Red Base, while Sarge finished uploading Lopez's speech unit, Donut turned to his teammates. "So what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?"

"Right," Grif replied. "That was a grenade."

Donut nodded slowly. "And the last thing I remember... is a loud bang... and then Simmons fainting..."

"Ha! Told you so!" Grif gloated triumphantly.

"I did not faint," Simmons retorted.

"Done and done!" Sarge dusted his hands off, flicked the switch, replaced Lopez's back armor plate and then stepped around in front of him. "Lopez, activate speech unit."

Lopez lifted his head up, gave a loud click and for the first time since he was built, he spoke... in a way that surprised everyone. "Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres."

"Am I the only one not understanding any of this?" Donut asked the others.

"Me llamo es Lopez," the brown robot finished.

"Lopez! He just said Lopez!" Grif cried. "I understood that. I can speak Spanish!"

"Lopez, speak English," Sarge ordered.

"Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned," Lopez replied. "Sé habla solamente español."

"Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, Sir," Simmons guessed.

"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model," Sarge argued.

"Seriously, dude," Donut scowled. "For the last time: Not. Pink."

"Lopez, I order you to speak a language we understand," Sarge demanded slowly.

"Negativo," Lopez replied.

"Well, this is just dandy," Sarge sighed. "Lopez, how-do-we-fix-your-speech-u-nit?"

"Why are you talking so slow?" Grif asked. "He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower."

"Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?" Sarge said with a wicked smile.

"Sí señor," Lopez answered, raising his rifle. "Gracias."

"No, stop!" Grif cried, diving through the broken skylight. "Uh, alto, alto!"

"Alto means tall, you dumbass," Simmons called down.

Grif paused and looked up. "Then why do they put it on stop signs?"


	17. Points of Origin

At the Blue Base, Church finally returned and Tex immediately rounded up the team for a business discussion.

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you," she told Church.

Caboose and Tucker turned as one to Church, watching the talk like spectators at a tennis match. "I just saved you from a life of imprisonment," Church stated. "How the hell are you square with me?"

The two Blues turned back to Tex. "Because  _I_ didn't kill you back at Sidewinder," she replied, fingering the ring hanging from her chain.

"You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor," Church retorted.

"Well, if you don't appreciate it," Tex replied slowly, drawing out her pistol, "I could just kill you right now."

"No, you can't!" Church snapped, stepping closer until the gun passed right through his head. "I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!"

"Stop it! Stop fighting!" yelled Caboose on the verge of tears. "Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?"

"What  _about_ you?" Tex asked, raising her eyebrow.

"We helped you too," Caboose sobbed. "And what do we get? Nothing!"

Tex grimaced slightly. "Well, yeah, but-"

"Yeah, but nothin'," Church cut in sharply. "He's got a point."

"I did help them get the flag back," Tex reminded him.

"Yeah, but you were paid to do that," Tucker argued. "We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us."

"Fine," Tex conceded, putting her gun away. "I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?"

"I have no idea," Tucker admitted. "If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that."

Tex thought that offer over then she nodded. "Okay."

"Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila?" Caboose gasped. When Tex nodded again, he grinned hugely. "I love you."

At the Red Base, Lopez was so delighted at being able to speak that he went through a whole tirade of his life story, even though no one was able to understand them. At the moment, he was telling the Red Privates the story of how he got his nickname.

"Entonces la décias 'tu nos pesos más, yo peso más,'" he explained, emphasizing the story with his hands. "Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado."

"Man," Grif sighed. "First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?"

"What are you asking me for?" Simmons asked.

"Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a Latino persuasion."

"Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish."

Grif frowned. "But I thought-"

"What?" Simmons snapped.

"Eh, never mind," Grif sighed.

"I'm from Iowa," Donut piped up.

"Nobody cares!" Grif and Simmons yelled.

Meanwhile, the Blues made their way into the canyon, approaching the spot where the badly damaged Sheila still lay upside down.

"Okay, take it easy, guys," Church warned. "When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online."

"Okay, okay," Caboose replied as Tex went up to the tank. "Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-"

A loud crash behind him cut him off and he whirled around to see Tex flipping Sheila off her side and back upright.

"Oh," Caboose said simply. "She is a very strong lady."

"I'm the one that's the least visible," Church went on. "So I'm gonna head up here to higher ground and keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know."

"Great," Caboose cried. "I'll come with you."

"That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose," Church said.

"Okay," Caboose said, his voice dropping to a whisper as he spoke. "What if I'm really, really,  _quiet?_ "

"Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?" Church asked, folding his arms.

Caboose laughed nervously. "Uh, good one, Church."

"Seriously, you don't know what it means, do you?"

"Uh, no..."

Church sighed. "Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that."

"Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement," Tucker said.

With a nod, Church set off towards the cliff and Caboose settled down beside a rock to rest. Tucker meanwhile went up to Sheila and leaned against a tread, looking up at Tex as she welded the control panel in the cabin.

"So," Tucker stated. "I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought."

"I wouldn't say I'm mean," Tex argued as she worked. "I just get hired to do mean things."

"Yeah, but you like it."

"Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do."

"So, let's say I paid you to kill Caboose," Tucker replied, nodding to where his rookie teammate was lying, holding his pistol dangerously close to his face. "You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?"

Tex lowered her tools and turned to him with a serious expression. "Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?"

"Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more," Tucker muttered, backing away from the tank.

Up on the cliff, Church had reached a suitable ledge to view the Reds but as he was reaching for his sniper rifle, he tripped over something and fell on his face. Turning around, he spotted a cobalt-colored corpse lying at his feet.

With an angry sigh, he stood up and went up to the cliff edge. "Hey Tucker!"

"What?" Tucker called back.

"What the hell is my body still doing up here?"

"That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet."

"Alright, well, let me rephrase that then," Church growled. "Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?"

"Buried? With that?" Tucker cried. "All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?"

"Well, then how about shipping me back home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect."

"Well, Church, here's your girlfriend." Tucker turned to Tex who was watching the conversation with interest. "Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?"

Tex just glanced up at Church then went back to working on Sheila.

"That was a stirring eulogy," Tucker smiled. "Rest in peace, good buddy!"


	18. SPF 0

Leaving Tex to finish her repairs on the tank, Tucker and Caboose made their way onto the cliff ledge where Church was waiting sternly next to his rotting body. "I am _not_ happy about this."

"I have an idea," Caboose said, but nobody responded. "I HAVE AN IDEA!"

"Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose," Tucker sighed. "We were just ignoring you."

"Since you possessed that Red guy and took control of _him_ ," Caboose went on, "why don't you just possess your own body?"

Church looked down at his corpse then back at Caboose. "Oh I see. So that way, I would be living inside of my own dead body."

"Yes," Caboose replied.

"Unable to move, just laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

"Yes."

"Okay, Caboose," Church stated sarcastically. "I'll be _sure_ to get right on that."

Caboose scowled and folded his arms. "I think you are a mean ghost."

Tucker carefully sniffed the air before gagging and covering his helmet filter with both hands. "Dude, you really stink."

"What?" Church snapped.

"Your body," Tucker replied, pointing at Church's corpse. "It stinks."

Church glared icily at his teammate, his ghostly form flushing red with anger. "Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."

"Quit your bitching," Tucker dismissed. "Nothing's going to happen to it."

"It's a freaking indignity!" Church practically roared. "My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest."

"Get over it," Tucker scoffed. "You're already dead. What's the worst that could happen?"

At that moment, a series of shadows swooped over their heads and Caboose looked up. "Hey Church, look, birds!" As the others looked too, Caboose cocked his head to one side. "Why are they flying around in circles?"

"Ohh, God," Church sighed, visor-palming as his body faded back to white.

Meanwhile at the Red Base, Lopez had powered down to conserve his power while Grif and Simmons kept watch on the roof, finding something other than arguing to pass the time.

"Okay, I'll go again," Grif said, glancing around the gulch. "I spy something, that begins with-"

"Dirt," Simmons interrupted.

"Damn," Grif cried. "How did you-"

"Well, because you did rock last time," Simmons explained. "That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt."

"Yeah, this canyon sucks," Grif sighed.

Back on the cliff, the Blues watched Tex working on Sheila.

"How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?" Church asked.

"Not much longer," Tucker replied. "She says it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again."

"Oh, that's just fan _tastic_ ," Church growled.

"What?" Tucker cried. "Why would that upset you?"

"Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds and they're all gonna die."

"The Reds dying is a good thing," Tucker reminded him.

"No, Tucker, it's _not_ a good thing," Church retorted. "As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that AI out of her head."

Caboose crossed his eyes in thought. "AI..."

"Shut up, Caboose," Church snapped. "And if I don't get it out before she leaves..."

"If she leaves, you won't ever find her again," Tucker realized.

"Right."

"So what're you gonna do?"

Church turned to the other side of the canyon then he sighed and bowed his head. "I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do... I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank."

Tucker and Caboose gasped at Church's suggestion. "You're switching sides?!" Tucker cried.

"Sorry, guys," Church muttered. "I don't have much choice."

"Church, uh," Caboose stammered nervously. "What happens when the Reds out here... to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us...?"

"I'll try to help you as best I can," Church replied. "Good luck, guys." With that, he faded away.

Caboose drew out Church's sniper rifle and turned to Tucker. "Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?"

"I tell you what, kill _me_ ," Tucker sighed. "I promise not to come back."

Caboose looked through the scope at the Red Base, trying to see if Church had arrived. Then he spotted Donut coming out of the base next to the Warthog. "Hey!" he gasped. "Look at this!"

"No," Tucker muttered, once again annoyed that he didn't get the sniper rifle.

"They have, a _girl_ ," Caboose went on. "They have a girl!"

"A what?" Tucker cried.

"A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armor!"

Tucker strained his eyes to see and just glimpsed a flash of pink. "Aw man, how come they get a girl?"

Below them, Tex coughed loudly to get their attention. "Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?"

"Yeah, Tex," Tucker replied. "But when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl."

Tex's eyes narrowed. "And what the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing!" the two Blues cried, backing away from view.

"Wait a second," Tucker realized. "If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?"

"I don't know," Caboose hissed. "But I think I know how to find out."

Carefully he tiptoed back to the ledge. "Hey, Tex!" he called down. "Uh, did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?"

Tex looked up at this then turned back to her work.

Caboose turned back to Tucker, unaware that he was visor-palming with both hands. "I don't think she knows."


	19. Last One Out, Hit the Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subtitles for Lopez now available in the end notes marked by an asterisk.

At the Red Base, Grif and Simmons stood on the roof and kept watch for danger. For a while, both Reds were silent then Simmons turned to his teammate. "Hey, Grif."

"Yeah, Simmons?" Grif replied.

"You ever wonder why we're here?" Simmons asked.

Grif thought about it for a moment. "No," he replied. "I never, _ever_ , wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch."

Just then, Lopez switched on with a garbled cry. "Keegakergerk!"

"What?" Simmons cried, spinning around. "What's wrong with Lopez?"

"I don't care," Grif muttered.

Simmons stepped closer to the shaking robot, unaware that Church was overriding his synthetic mind. "Hey, Lopez, uh... you okay, man?"

With a quick shake of his head, Church finally took over Lopez then turned to the Reds. "Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso...*" He trailed off, suddenly realizing what he had just said. "¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!*"

"Um... sure..." Simmons stated slowly, glancing at Grif.

"¡No, no, escucha mé!" Church insisted. "¡La bruja teva a matar! ¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!"

In the middle of the canyon, Tucker looked down from the cliff to see Tex climbing into the tank's cabin. "Aw, crap," he muttered, turning to his teammate. "Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on."

As Tucker lifted a hand to switch on his headset, Caboose suddenly jumped up in excitement. "Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker, please! Tucker!"

"Yes," Tucker sighed in irritation. "You can be the one who radios Church."

"Thanks, man." Caboose turned to one side and switched on his helmet radio. "Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley."

"O'Malley?" Tucker cried. "You said your name was Caboose."

"I never said that," Caboose retorted. "You guys did!"

"Why didn't you correct us?"

"Because I didn't want to be difficult." Caboose went back to his radio. "Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission... ness."

Tucker just stared in silence, amazed that Caboose was managing to say words longer than two syllables.

Caboose cleared his throat. "How is your progression?"

"¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí!" Church replied in desperation. "¡No mas puedo hablar español!*"

Caboose frowned in confusion then he slowly turned to Tucker. "He says he wants to talk to you."

Just then, they heard a loud rumbling noise below followed by a familiar mechanical voice. "Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank."

Tucker gulped loudly. "Oh shit. We got trouble."

Back at Red Base, Church did his utmost to get his message through to Grif and Simmons, even resorting to wild gestures. "Un tanque... grrrande!"

"Hey," Grif snapped. "I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language."

"What planet?" Simmons asked. "We're on an alien planet."

"What're you, a communist?" Grif retorted.

Suddenly, the Base was hit by a massive explosion that shook the building. Grif, Simmons and Church whirled round to see Sheila parked in the canyon, driven by Tex.

"Son of a bitch!" Grif gasped.

"Son of a bitch!" Simmons cried.

"¡MADRE DE DIOS!*" Church yelled.

Back on the cliff, Caboose watched the scene through Church's sniper rifle.

"Okay, I'm getting _really_ sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle," Tucker muttered.

Caboose switched his view between Tex and the Reds. "Church is getting mad at us," he explained, watching the possessed robot yelling at Tex in Spanish.

"Ohhhh," Tucker replied with mock interest. "Well, that's a nice change of pace."

Meanwhile, Sarge climbed into the jeep and drove it towards the Base. "Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog," he called over his radio. "Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by."

"Roger that," Simmons replied as Sheila fired another round at the Base.

"I'll uh... I'll stay here," Grif decided, ducking at the ramp.

"Yeah, stay here and guard this cement ramp," Simmons ordered sarcastically. "It's vital to our success."

As Sarge reached the bottom of the ramp, he slowed the car down, allowing Simmons to leap onto the turret. "Alright, I'm on board."

"Alright," Sarge said as they drove into the canyon. "Here's the plan-"

But before Sarge could explain his plan, Sheila turned her turret round and fired at the jeep, blowing it up once again. "JUNEBUG!" Sarge yelped as he and Simmons were thrown out of the Warthog.

Back at Base, Grif looked up as Sarge and Simmons hobbled back up the ramp. "Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?"

"Yeah, uh," Simmons grunted. "Did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?"

The Red leader just glared at his men. "If we survive this, I'm gonna kill _both_ of ya. Slowly."

As Sheila fired at the Base again, Grif crawled over to his teammate. "Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way, the ramp is secure."

"Target locked," Sheila announced, firing another shot that blew the Base's doors off their hinges.

Inside the cabin, Tex looked down at Sheila's HUD, checking that the targeting coordinates were correct. During her mission to recover the Blues' flag, she made a note of each of the rooms inside the Base, including the one that housed all of the Reds' guns and ammunition. Now that she had fixed the tank, she would be able to take out the walls to that room and blow up the weapons in an explosion that would destroy the whole Base.

At that moment, Donut came running up the other ramp. "Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?"

"That chick in the black armor's back!" Grif yelled.

"What chick?" Donut gasped. "The one that stuck the grenade to my head?"

"That's the one," Simmons replied.

"The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armor?"

"Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude," Grif sighed, rolling his eyes. "It's a whole lot faster just to say pink."

"Oh-ho-ho, I've been _waiting_ for this." Donut took a plasma grenade off his belt, pushed Church aside and went up to the edge of the roof. "Hey, bitch!" he yelled, pulling out the pin and tilting his arm back. "Remember me? I saved something for you!" And he hurled the grenade with all of his strength.

For a few moments, everybody in Blood Gulch, except for Tex, stood in silence, tracing the grenade as it rose in a gentle arc over the canyon before dropping down towards Sheila.

"Man, that girl's got a _really_ good arm," Tucker breathed.

By now, Tex had revealed the location of the ammo dump and was about to fire the killing shot when she heard a gentle hiss from above and she looked up just as Donut's grenade slipped right through the canopy and landed on her chest. "Aw, crap!"

"Hell yeah!" Donut cheered. "Three points, you dirty whore!"

As his words echoed around the canyon, the grenade went off in a massive explosion, destroying Sheila's cabin and throwing Tex out of the tank.

"¡Dios mío, noooo!" Church yelled in horror, jumping off the roof and running towards the tank. "¡Tejas, Tejas!"

"Uh, where's Lopez going?" Grif asked puzzled.

"To fight the enemy head on in hand to hand combat," Sarge said grimly. "Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing: you hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is." He gave his retreating robot a noble salute. "Adios, amigo. Adios."

"Shouldn't we help him?" Simmons put in.

"Naw," Sarge replied. "That would just ruin the moment."

At that moment, Church had made it to the wreckage of Sheila. Looking around, he finally spotted Tex lying in a heap. Carefully, he knelt down and lifted her close to him.

With a weak cough, Tex slowly raised her head. "Church... is that you?"

Unable to speak English, Church simply nodded, oily tears in his robotic eyes.

Tex coughed again and smiled stiffly. "It-it's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeee, bleah..." With a final sigh, she closed her eyes and fell limp.

Church gave a loud sniff and held Tex close to his chest, letting the tears flow down his synthetic face.

On the ledge above, Caboose had turned around to face the cliff while Tucker watched the sad scene below.

"Crap," Tucker sighed. "Church is gonna be pissed and now he has a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, let's get back to base."

"I told you, my name isn't Caboose..." The blue soldier turned around and finished in a deep scary voice, " **My name... is... O'Malley!** "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I made it to the end. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Subtitles for Lopez:
> 
> *Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...
> 
> *What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!
> 
> *No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!
> 
> *Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!
> 
> *SON OF A BITCH!


End file.
